I am looking for clarity. Specifically-a clear reason for why I am the way I am and what it means in the greater picture. As a writer, I am on a search for meaning and let’s face it validation. Writers are classic narcissists, and no, that isn’t a compliment. We write for our psyche, we write for our souls and ultimately-we write for the compliments. However, when we tailor our writing and edit our words for our audience, we lose out on the catharsis that comes from writing from our gut. When we start fearing that someone will actually READ our thoughts-we become no better than lemmings and frauds.
Life is muddy right now. It is messy to be certain, and I find myself in all sorts of trouble and turmoil. I just don’t know WHY. It makes life interesting and it forces me to evaluate everything, but it also makes my writing cautious. How much can I say and still entertain the audience? How much can I open up and still protect the Queen Mother persona?
Clarity-it isn’t likely to strike me today. I am tiptoeing around it slowly and painfully. I know that reaching for it will only make it more elusive. So I sit and wait, and in the meantime, I write. Stay tuned. It’s gonna get good.