What Southern Belles REALLY Do at Bridal Showers

Women are a mysterious race.  We have our own way of communicating, dressing, and dealing with stress.  But if women are mysterious in and of themselves–there is a particular group of women that are downright confounding–Southern Women.  We are in a class all by ourselves as numerous books have detailed. Like the following: A Southern Belle Primer\ My Personal Favorite

Being a Southern Woman, I can tell you that “sugar and spice” is absolutely right when it comes to us with an emphasis on “spice.”  We’re fortunate in so many ways to have the best of both worlds because as girls we are taught that only “cheap girls” let it all hang out whereas nice girls keep their naughty undergarments under layers of ruffles and ribbons while we preside over the Junior League and DAR or rule the PTA with an iron fist.

We may work outside the home, but most of us can baste a turkey with effortless aplomb or bake a heavenly cake. If we somehow missed the homemaker gene, we make up for it with the most potent and evil of drinks. It is a known fact that most Southern men of a certain social set are functioning alcoholics (and to be fair–we are the likely cause) so we, Belles, know only one way to pour a drink–strong.

A sacrosanct part of the Southern culture is gift giving and party throwing. And there is no better reason for the women to get together and kick the men to the golf course than a Bridal Shower. Notice the emphasis on “Bride.”

At a Southern Bridal Shower-there are several key elements.
A-It’s multigenerational. Three or four generations are always present.

B-It’s always estrogen filled–ie men are not allowed but may be briefly tolerated. This includes male children. Trust me. These parties are no place for children anyway.

C-Punch and punch bowl. You can’t throw a proper party without it.

So without further ado-here is a peek into a typical Bridal Shower in the South or At Least in My Family:

Advice Portion or
“Men get married. Women have a Wedding.”

Aunt E: You will always be a comfort to each other.

Mother: Never go to bed angry. Make him apologize first.

Sister: His only job is to say ‘I do’ than ‘Yes Dear’ for the rest of his life.

Cousin M: You’re getting married now, things are going to happen. You are going to need certain things.

Me: Get ready. You are going to get a lot of crystal crap.

Well Meaning Relative: Have I told you about the couple who got married and had ten children in ten years?

Me: My uterus just spasmed in fear. I think you need to stop talking.

Bride: Uh, thank you all for coming…

Game Playing or the Importance of a Family Alliance

Cousin J: We’re going to play a game now. Everyone get your purse and get a pen out.

Me: WHAT? First you are making us play a game, and you don’t even have the appropriate utensils?

Cousin S: Screw it. I’m not playing.

Cousin J: OK. Fine. I suck. Get your damn purse and get a pen.

Aunt F: I have pens and EVERYONE is playing.

Cousin J: Everyone needs to get into teams. Here is a list of items that have different point values. You need to look in your purses and try to get the most items/highest points.

Mother: You, Your sister and I are a team. Your sister lives out of her purse. We have this.

Me: Damn Straight.

Sister: Do you think this will pass as a flash drive?

Me: Damn Straight.

Sister: Tylenol? Advil?

Mother: Do narcotics count?

Cousin J: We might take that under advisement.

Mother: Get yours out.

Me: I don’t have mine. Get yours out.

Mother: I have narcotics!! I am happy to share if y’all let us count these as Tylenol.

Me: But we want double point value because they are BAD ASS.

Sister: Can Slimfast count as water?

Me: Damn Straight.

Mother: Stop swearing. It isn’t lady-like.

Me: You just turned a Bridal Shower into a Pill Party.

Mother: Damn Straight.

Cousin M: I have a coupon for panties not panties does that count?

Me, Mother and Sister: Why do you have to cheat?

Sister: Sewing kit? I have scissors.

Me: Use some scissors to cut some threads off your handbag. Sewing kit.

Cousin J: I think I am going to try and sneak this by.

Everyone: No! That doesn’t count.

Aunt E: Didn’t I teach you that if you are going to cheat, keep your mouth shut?

Cousin H: I’m doing just fine on my part, and I am not having to “stretch the truth.” (looks pointedly at my team)

My nose itches, and I use my middle finger to scratch it while smiling at Cousin H.

Sister: Hey, permanent markers totally count as a child’s toy.

Cousin J: No they don’t.

Sister: Well, I advise you not go to sleep tonight or I will show you how fun they can be.

Mother: It says we need a condom. Well?

Me: Jesus, Mother. No. I forgot to pack one in my Louis Vuitton before the FAMILY bridal shower.

Mother: You don’t have to be so tacky about it. I just asked.

Tallying of points and re-tallying of points subtracting of points from people padding their scores.

Cousin J: And the winners are the Cross girls.

Me: Damn straight.

Mother: If I give you a pill, will you stop swearing?

Gift Giving and Speculation

Cousin J: Now we are going to guess what the bride might get as gifts.

Me: Crystal Crap! Adult Movies!

Aunt E: Oh remember that Christmas!

Cousin V: I remember going to get those movies to throw in the gift swap.

Cousin J: What movie was it? I don’t remember.

Mother: (a little too fast) Debbie Does Dallas

Aunt E: Ahh..a classic

Aunt F (looks pointedly at my mother): We never found it after gift swap that year..

Mother: (looks at bride avoiding Aunt F’s stare) I hope you like the coffee pot, dear. If not, I will give you a pill, too.

Sister: She is about to get 100 million frames.

Me: Who brought toilet paper?

Cousin J: It’s just to help stock their house. Wouldn’t you have loved that when you were a newlywed?

Sister: No. She likes the Easy Wipes.

Me: Toilet paper would be better than all the crystal crap.

Sister: Hey, I gave you Great Aunt M’s crystal.

Me: Yeah. Thanks for that. Not.

Mother: Girls. Stop being bitchy. And stop swearing! You’re scaring the bride.

Bride: Um, thanks again for coming.

Sex

Sister: Go ahead and break those ribbons on the gifts.

Me: Don’t do it unless someone gave you condoms.

Mother: Well you could have if you had any.

Me: Jesus, Mother give it a rest. We won the game.

Cousin J (mother of groom): Oh, I gave the bride some the other day.

Aunt E: You gave her condoms?

Cousin J: No!! I thought we were talking about dish towels.

Cousin T: Yeah. I don’t recommend those for birth control.

Cousin H: I recommend several different methods including prayer. (clutching large pregnant belly)

Sister: The good news is that after the baby comes, you will have a ton of frames to put its picture in.

Me: Yeah. And when it gets to be a toddler, it will break all the crystal crap.

Aunt F: I am making a ribbon bouquet for you to use at the wedding rehearsal.

Me: Ugh. I am never getting married again.

Collective gasp.

Sister: Well, then, I guess we need to buy you some condoms.

Mother: Girls! Stop being cheap. You might as well be wearing peach blush and red nail polish.

Bride: Um, thanks again for coming.

<<<<<>>>>>>>>

About Jen Cross

Born and raised in Dallas, TX, I enjoy writing books about life in Dallas and relationships and their many ups and downs.
This entry was posted in Family, Isn't She Lovely, Marriage, Men, Oh no she didnt!, Parents, Relationships, Sex and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to What Southern Belles REALLY Do at Bridal Showers

  1. Heather says:

    Bookmarking this for future generations…… They nmeed to know it’s purely genetic and probably the reason mommy is on a good dose of “happy medicine” regularly.

  2. Marilia says:

    It was fun this bridal shower! My first American one… we do way different in Brazil… lol…

  3. Heather says:

    Just read this again and noticed you didn’t mention that YOUR team was the one padding scores and having to recalculate…….

    • tarnishedtiara2009 says:

      LOOK! I just report the story as I remember it. I don’t remember WHO was adding numbers to their scores, but in the end..doesn’t matter. We earned those bubble bath, lotion basket thingies FAIR AND SQUARE.

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