ithin a few months of each other, I lost two very important things, the nuclear family that I had created was shattered by deception and divorce, and my sister was snatched from me by a prion disease called CJD. My grief was immeasurable. I actually told my close friends that I felt literally “at capacity” with emotion and pain not to mention heartache.
My heart led many of my thoughts daily which created a revolving door of emotion in which my head and heart would battle for control. My head wanted to propel past the grief, ignore God’s hand in the process, and force myself past the feelings of vulnerability and lack of control while my heart continued to remind me how vulnerable I really was.
I’ve never been a person to ask for things or ask for help. I was the child who “did it herself,” and I’m afraid that as a woman, I still am. Even in the midst of divorce, I only tiptoed around the precipice of truly leaning on my friends and family. He wanted our divorce to be “professional and dignified.” I wanted our marriage to be “pure and delightful.” However, faithful in marriage evolved to faithful in divorce, and I tried very hard to be respectful and circumspect just in case, the gaping hole through the center of my stomach could somehow be soothed after nearly two years. It couldn’t, but I made it..just barely.. limping to the other side.
Thankfully, what I have learned through this process is that even in the prettiest of shoes, limping isn’t very fun. I’ve been blessed with wonderful people to support me during this time of great need, and as I mourn my sister’s death, I’m carried by their love and friendship.
She died at 6:55pm on February 9, 2011. I miss and love you, C. XOXO, Babe
“One’s sister is part of one’s essential self, an eternal presence of one’s heart, soul and memory.” Susan Cabil